This week, I was going to write about anniversaries and birthdays. After all, I just celebrated my 7-year cancerversary (the anniversary of my first cancer diagnosis) and, then, next week my fiancé will be turning another year older. Although these are days and milestones to look forward to, we can’t grow so attached to the countdown to them that we miss the blessings of the present moment. Even in this present moment for me—in the middle of cancer treatment—there are blessings. True, they’re often difficult to spot—but I’ve had the chance to spend more time with my family and fiancé, I’ve also met some truly outstanding healthcare professionals to whom I owe a great deal. Blessings have also come in the form of fellow survivors, nonchalantly dropping a gold and green card off at your infusion chair. The surprise message made my day!!
I am neutropenic once again, which means limited outings. I may need blood and platelet transfusions today. I am tired, teary-eyed, and nauseous. I need to go through my Facebook feed and remove the health gurus I follow, because the truth is, I’m not feeling motivated when I look at those pictures. I feel worse about my own changed body (steroids fight cancer and nausea but also cause weight gain) and my new physical limitations (I’m still relearning how to move).
It’s dark in our living room this morning. I am thinking about warming up some tater tots for breakfast…because that is the extent of my cooking abilities these days. Starches seem to help soak up the excess acid in my belly. I’ll be getting anti-nausea meds when I go into treatment (so even if the tots don’t help with the nausea), relief will be here shortly.