The Good That Each Moment Holds

Unicorn Snow Globe 2

Dear Readers,

I am writing this blogpost from the comfort of our own apartment. Sunlight is streaming through the glass, front door and the washing machine is humming in the background. I am surrounded by familiar landmarks—photographs, giant coffee mugs, and piles and piles of both read and unread books.

This feels normal.

This feels good.

If I weren’t bundled up in a sweater and layer of blankets, if I wasn’t fighting nausea, if I wasn’t struggling for control of my left leg, I could almost forget that I have cancer. I could almost forget that I have to return to the outpatient cancer clinic tomorrow for still more chemotherapy.

Almost.

The gravity of the situation sneaks up on me, Dear Readers. It surfaces when I least expect it to, knocking the air out of my lungs. It makes me cry—almost daily—and always in the evenings when the punch of the steroids begins to fade and the exhaustion creeps in. It tries to steal the joy still inherent in my days…but I won’t let it win.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not ever.

As difficult as my current circumstances are, there is still so much to be thankful for. There are blessings hidden in each hour. Every new day that I wake up to is an opportunity for grace and gratitude. AND that is what I will focus on—not on the future, not on whether or not this treatment plan is going to work in the long-term—but on the good that each moment holds.

Will it be easy? No. Absolutely not. I am going to have emotional meltdowns and days that I can’t leave my bed. Tears will be shed. Sobs will be stifled by pillows. It is in these moments that I will remind myself that life still has beauty and that no matter how difficult this journey is, it is worth it.

Tomorrow, I return to the Hematology/Oncology Outpatient Clinic for two different chemotherapies; one will be administered through my Ommaya Reservoir (my off-centered unicorn horn) while the other will be infused through my chest port. On Tuesday, I will take my last mega dose of steroids (yay!). On Thursday, providing my white blood cell count is high enough, I will receive another dose of chemotherapy through the Ommaya as well as undergo a bone marrow biopsy. The results of that biopsy will shape next week’s treatment plan.

On April 3rd, my significant other and I will travel to Boston for the initial bone marrow transplant and tissue-typing consult.

I will need your continued support, Dear Readers, through all of this. I will need your prayers. I will need all the light and love that you can spare. I will do my best to keep you up-to-date, but please know that if you don’t hear from me, I am undoubtedly thinking about you and continuing to count YOU as a blessing.

With Love, Laura

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Unexpected Wins

 

I can’t lie to you, Dear Readers. I just can’t. I was absolutely terrified of what Monday, March 6th, 2017 might bring. I was internally trembling at the idea of having yet another cervical injection of chemotherapy into the back of my neck. I was afraid of waking up on the table (again) with a needle lodged in my spinal cord, moaning. I was dreading the resulting headache and pain. The risks associated with the procedure kept running through my mind. I was worried, too, that the day’s treatment regimen of additional shots to my legs would make me nauseous. In short, I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive Monday.

And, yet, not only did I survive it…but Monday was a win.

It was an unexpected win to be sure, but it was a win because I have been blessed with an outstanding care team—everyone from my oncology nurses and doctors on the floor, to the Interventional Radiologists performing the cervical injection, to the volunteers and support staff that take the time each day to repair my fraying seams.

In many ways, I feel as though I am a tapestry being ripped out, woven back together. These repairs they’re making to me—they mean something. I am not sure what I will look like at the end of this process, or what image might emerge among the woven threads, but occasionally I catch a glimpse of it.

I see something vibrant, as red as the dye a dear friend used to color my hair with. It’s the shade of scarlet that my LNA’s used in the poster that they made for my room.

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I feel a blanket of love, as bright as the rainbow of cards and well-wishes that flooded my bed yesterday afternoon.

I feel calm, in my mother’s warm embrace, in the way my partner holds my hand while we watch television at the end of the day.

Not every day will be like this past Monday. There will be more painful procedures to come. There will be nausea, fluctuations in weight, hair loss. There will be tears and heartache. Suffering is, after all, an inevitable part of this journey, of being human.

But there will also be wins. Small wins. Landslide wins. Wins that no matter what shape or size they arrive in, we have to seize with both hands—even if our finger strength is weak. Even if we need someone to help us hold on.

I hope, Dear Readers, that this week brings you some wins, too. I hope you feel loved and appreciated.  I hope you know that, each day, your messages and prayers are giving me the strength to face this challenge with both grace and gratitude.

 

With So Much Love, Laura